“John! What are you doing?” cried Sue as she walked in to find John packing a suitcase.
“I’m leaving you Sue.”
“Why? I thought we were happy.”
“We were, until you got that dog” John gestured toward what appeared to be a soccer sized ball of fluff
“Fluffy? You don’t like Fluffy?” She picked up the small dog and clutched him to her chest.
“That monster doesn’t like me. He’s always staring with those evil eyes.” John said, shuddering.
“This ‘monster’ as you call him was the only companion my grandmother had. She willed him to me.”
“Honey, you grandma was found dead with weird bites on her head.”
“That wasn’t Fluffy! He would never hurt her! I told you, it was the Zombies!”
“You want me to believe that Zombies ate your grandmother? The dog was found chewing on her foot.” John had finished packing, he picked up his suitcase and set it by the door.
“He was trying to wake her! You know what? We are done! I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe me! You’re disastering my life! Get out!
John picked up his suitcase, opened the door, turned to Sue and said, “Fine! Good luck with your Zombies!”
“Grandmother?” Sue asked, looking over John’s shoulder. John turned slowly to see the rotting corpse of the old woman standing in the doorway.
“BRRAAAIIIIIINNSS!!”


Happy Disaster Day! Hope your disaster is manageable!

“John! What are you doing?! Is that…… Sue our neighbor? You’re sleeping with her???” Jane screamed hysterically at her fornicating husband. (Who, by the way, didn’t happen to stop as she walked in.) “John!!!! Stop it! Stop humping that hussy!!”
“But…..honey…..I…..can’t…..” huffed John breathlessly, adamantly continuing to pursue his intercourse with Sue.
“Can’t? Can’t?! What on earth is stopping you from laying off that bimbo?!” she screeched from the doorway, still dumbfounded at the actions taking place before her.
“It’s….Seed..…ooohhh…..Seed…..Swap…..Day…..” he moaned.
“That is the biggest load of crock I have ever heard John! What do you take me for?!”
Sue lifts up her head from the carpet, and squeals “It’s…..true!.....My…..husband…..is…..waiting…..in…..next…..door…..for…..you….”
“Oh really?” Jane giddily say “Carry on!” Jane throws her purse on the floor and skips out of the house, ripping off clothing as she goes. Only to find Sue’s husband in the garden with a befuddled expression, wondering why she was nude and didn't appear to have any packets of seed so they could trade.

The moral of the story, boys and girls, is when it comes to celebrating Seed Swap Day, make sure you clarify which seed you shall swap.

Happy National Seed Swap Day! May the seeds you swap be that of your choosing, but make sure the person you’re swapping with knows what’s coming!

30 Jan
You have 7 new messages. First New Message:
“Hey, uh Sue right? This is uh, John, from last night. Remember? We met at that bar…I think…Actually the whole night gets a bit hazy right after you bought me that drink…You don’t happen to know what happened to my wallet do you? Or my pants? Well, anyway please give me a call...I uh…had a great time? My number is--”

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“BRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS!!!”

Beeep. Message Saved. Next New Message:
“Susan, this is your father calling, your mother and I are concerned about those strange smelling punks you’ve been hanging around, we’d like to---“

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“I like pie.”

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“Hello, Susan Jones? This is Officer Jim calling. I would like to talk to you in connection with some local gang activity. I understand you may know a couple of the individuals involved. Please give me a call—“

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“Sue! We’re meeting up at the Pizza place on 5th! You gotta come out! We’re gonna see if we can……Hey! Hold on!….Wait a minute!…Get away from me!!...No!............AARRRGGGGHH!!!!.......................BRRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!!”

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“You don’t know me, my name is Jill, I uh…got your number from John….we uh…used to date…he said he spent some time withh you last night…Um, I think maybe you should…uh…go get yourself checked out…um…John been known to…spend time…with…uh…women of…uh…ill-repute...Also…I was at his house last week, and he has a prescription for Valtrex…So, uh…yeah…I gotta go…”

Beeep. Message Saved.

Beeep.

Main Menu. To listen to new messages press 1. To listen to saved messages press 2. To retrieve recently erased messages press 3.

Beeep. I’m sorry we are unable to retrieve your erased messages.

Beeep.

Main Menu. To listen to new messages press 1. To listen to --

Beeep. I’m sorry we are unable to retrieve your erased messages.



Happy Inane Answering Message Day! I hope your messages are better than Susan’s.