John & Sue Go Driving

“Wear a seat belt, you’re not safe without one,” says Sue, barely glancing up from her book.

“Seatbelts don’t do anything. Besides we’re going fifteen miles an hour” says John

“Listen to this: Every year at least fifteen thousand people are carjacked while on vacation.” She reads from a book titled 101 Reasons to Stay At Home. “That’s a lot of people, we could be next.”

“Will you put that away? It’s just making you more paranoid.” John glances in the rearview mirror.

“I’m not paranoid, I’m just more aware of the dangers of life than you are.” She says, closing the book and setting it down at her feet.

“Whatever you say, dear.” John says as he checks the rearview mirror again.

“Why do tou keep looking back?” she asks, clutching her arm rest.

“Oh, it’s nothing, this guy behind us has been following a little close is all,” he says, “I’m keeping an eye on them so we don’t cause an accident”

“What jerks, how long have they been back there?”

“About ten of fifteen minutes or so.” John looks over at Sue, “What is it?” Sue had turned ghostly pale and was shaking uncontrollably.

“It’s them. The Tailgate Gang,” her eyes are wide with terror. “They ride around in dark, nondescript trucks and closely follow people until they turn down a deserted road, then BAM!” John jumps at the sound of Sue’s fist hitting the dash. “They rear-end you, then, when you get out of the car to exchange insurance information, they shoot you.”

“They shoot you?” he says, playing along with her.

“Yeah, with paintballs or something,” she says, “it’s true, I saw it on TV.”

“Sue, I doubt an old couple in an orange bug are members of a gang.”

“Oh, you didn’t tell me they were in a bug. They must be part of the V-dub Club.”

“Look, they aren’t part of any gang or club, nor are they going to kidnap us and sells on the Black Market or anything like that, calm down.” John slows the car and stops for a red light. As he is turned toward Sue, he notices her eyes getting wider and wider.

“John!” she shouts, panicked. The driverside door opens, a hand reaches in to grab him by the collar and throws him out of the car.

“This be a carjacking, mate.” The carjacker says in a bad English accent. He waves a gun in the general direction of Sue. “Come on the, out of the car, lass.” Sue slowly gets out of the car, her eyes, never leaving the carjacker. “Thanks muchly, lass.” He climbs into the car & drives off.

When the car is out of sight, the old couple rush out of their Volkswagen Beetle, “Miss are you okay?” the old man asks.

“I’m fine, I think,” she answers, staring after the car.

“Thank heavens, is there anything you need? Here, let’s call the police and report this right away.” He turns back to his car to retrieve his cell phone when he notices that Sue is no longer staring down the road. She’s staring at the couple.

“What is it, dear?” the old lady asks, her hand reaching into her bag.

“You’re not part of the V-dub club are you?” Sue asks, backing up.

“What are you talking about, miss?” asks the old man.

“Don’t worry about her, sir, she’s just making up things to worry about.” John jumps in
attempting to save the day, “she’s not all there, and acts a little funny like that sometimes”

“I do not! That was a legitimate question” she says, beginning to get a little upset.

“Of course dear, you really do think these nice people are in some kind of gang.”

“Why of course we are, young man” says the little old lady, pulling a gun from her purse. “Now I need your bank account information, social security numbers, and motther’s maiden names, and be quick about it.”

“Oh crap.” says John, reaching for his wallet.

Happy National She’s Funny That Way Day!