Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Forward Thinking!
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Your valued employee, Jose just get arrested as an illegal immigrant?
With Forward Thinking you'll have fake papers ready to go for the next raid. Jose Sanchez is now Tim Polanski!
Afraid your wife may soon find out about your second family hidden away in the next state?
Forward Thinking will put a plan in place to fake your own death, move to Canada, and set up a third family and career, with neither family having a clue about you second, third, or fourth life!
Are the "Feds" about to uncover your multimillion dollar laundering scheme?
Forward Thinking will already have your money in an offshore bank account and a getaway jet in place ready for your retirement to your very own island paradise!
Planning on ruthlessly killing your family?
Forward Thinking will have a rabid bear on the loos near your suburban home which happens to be filled with raw fish and bear sensitive explosives. By the time the authorities figure out you're the real culprit, Forward Thinking has you half way to Mexico with a new look and hair color!
Order Forward Thinking today for only 5 easy payments of 129.99!
Call within the next 10 minutes and we'll throw in Time Management for free!
Time Management is the ultimate way too to clear up your schedule for the things you value in life. Never miss a critical business meeting, assassination, or drug deal again with Time Management!
Pay with a Discover Card and you'll receive 2 free ShamWows!
Fernadette Companies Inc. is not responsible for any failed attempts, plans, or ideas. Consumer is liable for all crimes committed while using our product. We in no way guarantee success of any kind whatsoever.
Monday, April 13, 2009
My Thailand Adventure
Sawadee-ka!
I just completed my adventure in the Land of the Free, which is called Thailand of course, “Thai” meaning “Free” in, well, Thai. The first day we pulled in to a port town called Laem Chabang which has nothing in it. Fortunately it is 30 minutes (on a good day, no traffic) from Pattaya which is chock full of hotels, bars, loose women and lady-boys. We got off the ship around 1630 (That’s 4:30 PM for all you non military folks) and took the longest “30 minute” bus ride ever. Especially since it took over an hour and a half to get to the Hard Rock Hotel on Pattaya Beach. We ventured in search of our hotel, found it down a semi-dark alley, and checked in to our $50 rooms. I got upstairs, went in to the room flipped the switch for the light. Nothing happened. I felt my way around, flipping every switch I could find. I stumbled my way back to the door and found a slot thing to put my room card in, the second I did so, all the lights came on. The room had a gigantic bed with towels on it folded to look like elephants sitting up. I dropped off my stuff and went down stairs to meet up with the guys.
We walked down the “main street” and stopped at the first restaurant we found called the “cool House” (there were a million food stalls set up along the way, but they didn’t smell good at all and would probably make us very sick at any rate). There I had the Best Spring Rolls Ever, along with a couple bites of (surprise!) delicious calamari and my favorite soup. Tom Yum Goong, made so spicy that I couldn’t have more than 3 spoonfuls before my eyes and nose watered. After dinner we headed back to the hotel, grabbing some sandals along the way. Once back I hopped on the internet and downloaded a bunch of stuff and went to sleep for the first time in almost 3 months with no one near me. It was awesome.
The second day we spent the morning wandering around in search of food. After a while and several failed attempts at finding an open restaurant, we gave in and wandered over to the Pig and Whistle for some classic English Pub food. The food was delicious, and we got some more spring rolls. We made our way back to the Hard Rock and braved the gauntlet of venders lined up by the hotel trying to sell fake sunglass, hats, swim trunks, and pictures with the most cuddly, fuzzy, adorable lemurs ever. I resisted the urge to grab a lemur and run, reminding myself that the nice smiling lady trying to hook a lemur on me probably knew Muay Thai and could probably kick my butt into a bloody pulp. For dinner that night I got to introduce my buddies to the joys of Indian food. It was once again delicious.
The third day I had Duty and is officially dead to me.
The fourth day Brian and I signed up for an elephant tour. Once at the Elephant Village we got introduced to the elephants and their love of bananas, I bought a bunch and fed one before climbing the platform to sit on the makeshift bench on the elephant’s back. The driver guy sat on the elephant’s (hereafter referred to as Alan) head and drove Alan with his feet. The first thing we did was ford a river. Alan was walking with the water almost up to his eyes. His trunk sometimes popped out of the water so he could breathe. We trundled through the hot sun on his back through fields, up hills, and into the jungle. We kept feeding Alan bananas so he would keep carrying us and not get too upset at the lack of tips.
After we got off the elephant we met Tony the Gibbon. He’s 5 years old and likes to play. I set down my soda to get a picture and he jumped over, snatched it up, climbed a bamboo tree, took off the lit, and drank my soda. Then he decided to play with Forest, one of the guys from the ship. Forest was running around with a monkey chasing him. When Tony caught up with him, he jumped on his butt and pulled down his pants. We were all cracking up.
Once Tony was done playing we went on a walk through the jungle, while hearing about how the wild boar is more dangerous than the tiger and they will pick your bones clean in under five minutes. We emerged from the jungle at a house where they make silk. Houses in Thailand don’t have 4 walls, they will leave 1 or 2 off to let in the breeze. There was an old lady making a bolt of silk cloth while we learned about how silk is made. A cocoon of the silk worm is 1 strand of silk that is 8-900 yards long and can make 300 yards of silk. After the silk house we crossed a lake on a raft, hopped on an oxcart and went back to the elephant village.
Once back in Pattaya, we tried to wander back to the Pig and Whistle for dinner. We ran into an obstacle on our quest for fine English good. Water Wars. It turns out April 12th is the beginning of the festival for the Thai new year and the accepted way to celebrate is by shooting people with water guns, dumping water on their heads, and pilling or the fire hoses. By the time we got to the Pig and Whistle we were soaked through, I was dripping water for hours afterward. Dinner was good, we braved the water once again and returned via the gauntlet of fake sunglasses and lemurs to the Hard Rock, and then to the ship and sleep.
I just completed my adventure in the Land of the Free, which is called Thailand of course, “Thai” meaning “Free” in, well, Thai. The first day we pulled in to a port town called Laem Chabang which has nothing in it. Fortunately it is 30 minutes (on a good day, no traffic) from Pattaya which is chock full of hotels, bars, loose women and lady-boys. We got off the ship around 1630 (That’s 4:30 PM for all you non military folks) and took the longest “30 minute” bus ride ever. Especially since it took over an hour and a half to get to the Hard Rock Hotel on Pattaya Beach. We ventured in search of our hotel, found it down a semi-dark alley, and checked in to our $50 rooms. I got upstairs, went in to the room flipped the switch for the light. Nothing happened. I felt my way around, flipping every switch I could find. I stumbled my way back to the door and found a slot thing to put my room card in, the second I did so, all the lights came on. The room had a gigantic bed with towels on it folded to look like elephants sitting up. I dropped off my stuff and went down stairs to meet up with the guys.
We walked down the “main street” and stopped at the first restaurant we found called the “cool House” (there were a million food stalls set up along the way, but they didn’t smell good at all and would probably make us very sick at any rate). There I had the Best Spring Rolls Ever, along with a couple bites of (surprise!) delicious calamari and my favorite soup. Tom Yum Goong, made so spicy that I couldn’t have more than 3 spoonfuls before my eyes and nose watered. After dinner we headed back to the hotel, grabbing some sandals along the way. Once back I hopped on the internet and downloaded a bunch of stuff and went to sleep for the first time in almost 3 months with no one near me. It was awesome.
The second day we spent the morning wandering around in search of food. After a while and several failed attempts at finding an open restaurant, we gave in and wandered over to the Pig and Whistle for some classic English Pub food. The food was delicious, and we got some more spring rolls. We made our way back to the Hard Rock and braved the gauntlet of venders lined up by the hotel trying to sell fake sunglass, hats, swim trunks, and pictures with the most cuddly, fuzzy, adorable lemurs ever. I resisted the urge to grab a lemur and run, reminding myself that the nice smiling lady trying to hook a lemur on me probably knew Muay Thai and could probably kick my butt into a bloody pulp. For dinner that night I got to introduce my buddies to the joys of Indian food. It was once again delicious.
The third day I had Duty and is officially dead to me.
The fourth day Brian and I signed up for an elephant tour. Once at the Elephant Village we got introduced to the elephants and their love of bananas, I bought a bunch and fed one before climbing the platform to sit on the makeshift bench on the elephant’s back. The driver guy sat on the elephant’s (hereafter referred to as Alan) head and drove Alan with his feet. The first thing we did was ford a river. Alan was walking with the water almost up to his eyes. His trunk sometimes popped out of the water so he could breathe. We trundled through the hot sun on his back through fields, up hills, and into the jungle. We kept feeding Alan bananas so he would keep carrying us and not get too upset at the lack of tips.
After we got off the elephant we met Tony the Gibbon. He’s 5 years old and likes to play. I set down my soda to get a picture and he jumped over, snatched it up, climbed a bamboo tree, took off the lit, and drank my soda. Then he decided to play with Forest, one of the guys from the ship. Forest was running around with a monkey chasing him. When Tony caught up with him, he jumped on his butt and pulled down his pants. We were all cracking up.
Once Tony was done playing we went on a walk through the jungle, while hearing about how the wild boar is more dangerous than the tiger and they will pick your bones clean in under five minutes. We emerged from the jungle at a house where they make silk. Houses in Thailand don’t have 4 walls, they will leave 1 or 2 off to let in the breeze. There was an old lady making a bolt of silk cloth while we learned about how silk is made. A cocoon of the silk worm is 1 strand of silk that is 8-900 yards long and can make 300 yards of silk. After the silk house we crossed a lake on a raft, hopped on an oxcart and went back to the elephant village.
Once back in Pattaya, we tried to wander back to the Pig and Whistle for dinner. We ran into an obstacle on our quest for fine English good. Water Wars. It turns out April 12th is the beginning of the festival for the Thai new year and the accepted way to celebrate is by shooting people with water guns, dumping water on their heads, and pilling or the fire hoses. By the time we got to the Pig and Whistle we were soaked through, I was dripping water for hours afterward. Dinner was good, we braved the water once again and returned via the gauntlet of fake sunglasses and lemurs to the Hard Rock, and then to the ship and sleep.
Friday, April 10, 2009
John & Sue Discuss Housework
Sue is sitting at a table working hard at her new project. Her tongue sticks out of the corner of her mouth as she colors in the big block letters on the brightly colored posterboard sign that says "No More Laundry". Leaning up against the wall are a dozen more makeshift signs with various slogans against cleaning, dish washing, vacuuming, knob polishing, ironing and dusting.
She hears the front door open and close. "Jane? I'm in the kitchen." she calls, not looking up from her sign. She hears heavy footsteps in the hall treading slowly toward the kitchen. That is not Jane. She thinks as her heart speeds up. She glances around panicked, looking for a hiding place, but knowing in her heart it's too late. She spots the half open pantry door and lunges for it.
"Sue?" his voice seems to reverberate off the cans surrounding her. "Are you in here?" Hufflef in the dark, she doesn't dare to breath, she can hear him moving around the kitchen. "What's this?" he mumbles quietly to himself. She can no longer hold her breath and finally gives in to her desperate need for air. Trying to stay quiet, she gasps. The small sound seems like thunder in the quiet stillness of the kitchen. The footsteps move toward the pantry in time with her heart. He swings open the door to finde her kneeling on the floor.
"What are you doing in here?" he asks
"Oh!" she says looking up, "John, I didn;t know you were home. I was just organising the cans."
"Why are you doing that?" John asks, "They don't need to be organised, that was done last week."
"Oh." she says, "Well, I was just--"
"So tell me," he says, cutting her off, "What are all these signs?"
"Well, you see, I've decided to go on strike." She stands up proudly, holding her head high, daring him to say something.
"What reason on Earth would you have for going on strike? You don't work"
"I'm on strike from housework. These conditions that I am forded to slave in day in and day out are inhumane. I refuse to stay idle while my hard work goes to waste on someone who makes me suffer in such conditions."
John stares at her for a moment, trying to make sense of what she has just said. "Sue," he says "We have a maid."
She hears the front door open and close. "Jane? I'm in the kitchen." she calls, not looking up from her sign. She hears heavy footsteps in the hall treading slowly toward the kitchen. That is not Jane. She thinks as her heart speeds up. She glances around panicked, looking for a hiding place, but knowing in her heart it's too late. She spots the half open pantry door and lunges for it.
"Sue?" his voice seems to reverberate off the cans surrounding her. "Are you in here?" Hufflef in the dark, she doesn't dare to breath, she can hear him moving around the kitchen. "What's this?" he mumbles quietly to himself. She can no longer hold her breath and finally gives in to her desperate need for air. Trying to stay quiet, she gasps. The small sound seems like thunder in the quiet stillness of the kitchen. The footsteps move toward the pantry in time with her heart. He swings open the door to finde her kneeling on the floor.
"What are you doing in here?" he asks
"Oh!" she says looking up, "John, I didn;t know you were home. I was just organising the cans."
"Why are you doing that?" John asks, "They don't need to be organised, that was done last week."
"Oh." she says, "Well, I was just--"
"So tell me," he says, cutting her off, "What are all these signs?"
"Well, you see, I've decided to go on strike." She stands up proudly, holding her head high, daring him to say something.
"What reason on Earth would you have for going on strike? You don't work"
"I'm on strike from housework. These conditions that I am forded to slave in day in and day out are inhumane. I refuse to stay idle while my hard work goes to waste on someone who makes me suffer in such conditions."
John stares at her for a moment, trying to make sense of what she has just said. "Sue," he says "We have a maid."
The Kite Contest
We had a Kite Flying Contest not too long ago, where each division had to build and fly a kite. We were judged by design, length of flight, and height. My division kicked the competition to the curb so to speak. No one else's kite could fly. Not only did ours soar, but it was a stunt kite. Which means we took out a few people along the way. Also it's awesome when the Captain asks if you need him to turn a US Navy Warship so you can have enough wind to fly a kite off the flight deck.
Yet another reason why Preble rocks.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Sunday, April 05, 2009
John & Sue Go Driving
“Wear a seat belt, you’re not safe without one,” says Sue, barely glancing up from her book.
“Seatbelts don’t do anything. Besides we’re going fifteen miles an hour” says John
“Listen to this: Every year at least fifteen thousand people are carjacked while on vacation.” She reads from a book titled 101 Reasons to Stay At Home. “That’s a lot of people, we could be next.”
“Will you put that away? It’s just making you more paranoid.” John glances in the rearview mirror.
“I’m not paranoid, I’m just more aware of the dangers of life than you are.” She says, closing the book and setting it down at her feet.
“Whatever you say, dear.” John says as he checks the rearview mirror again.
“Why do tou keep looking back?” she asks, clutching her arm rest.
“Oh, it’s nothing, this guy behind us has been following a little close is all,” he says, “I’m keeping an eye on them so we don’t cause an accident”
“What jerks, how long have they been back there?”
“About ten of fifteen minutes or so.” John looks over at Sue, “What is it?” Sue had turned ghostly pale and was shaking uncontrollably.
“It’s them. The Tailgate Gang,” her eyes are wide with terror. “They ride around in dark, nondescript trucks and closely follow people until they turn down a deserted road, then BAM!” John jumps at the sound of Sue’s fist hitting the dash. “They rear-end you, then, when you get out of the car to exchange insurance information, they shoot you.”
“They shoot you?” he says, playing along with her.
“Yeah, with paintballs or something,” she says, “it’s true, I saw it on TV.”
“Sue, I doubt an old couple in an orange bug are members of a gang.”
“Oh, you didn’t tell me they were in a bug. They must be part of the V-dub Club.”
“Look, they aren’t part of any gang or club, nor are they going to kidnap us and sells on the Black Market or anything like that, calm down.” John slows the car and stops for a red light. As he is turned toward Sue, he notices her eyes getting wider and wider.
“John!” she shouts, panicked. The driverside door opens, a hand reaches in to grab him by the collar and throws him out of the car.
“This be a carjacking, mate.” The carjacker says in a bad English accent. He waves a gun in the general direction of Sue. “Come on the, out of the car, lass.” Sue slowly gets out of the car, her eyes, never leaving the carjacker. “Thanks muchly, lass.” He climbs into the car & drives off.
When the car is out of sight, the old couple rush out of their Volkswagen Beetle, “Miss are you okay?” the old man asks.
“I’m fine, I think,” she answers, staring after the car.
“Thank heavens, is there anything you need? Here, let’s call the police and report this right away.” He turns back to his car to retrieve his cell phone when he notices that Sue is no longer staring down the road. She’s staring at the couple.
“What is it, dear?” the old lady asks, her hand reaching into her bag.
“You’re not part of the V-dub club are you?” Sue asks, backing up.
“What are you talking about, miss?” asks the old man.
“Don’t worry about her, sir, she’s just making up things to worry about.” John jumps in
attempting to save the day, “she’s not all there, and acts a little funny like that sometimes”
“I do not! That was a legitimate question” she says, beginning to get a little upset.
“Of course dear, you really do think these nice people are in some kind of gang.”
“Why of course we are, young man” says the little old lady, pulling a gun from her purse. “Now I need your bank account information, social security numbers, and motther’s maiden names, and be quick about it.”
“Oh crap.” says John, reaching for his wallet.
Happy National She’s Funny That Way Day!
“Seatbelts don’t do anything. Besides we’re going fifteen miles an hour” says John
“Listen to this: Every year at least fifteen thousand people are carjacked while on vacation.” She reads from a book titled 101 Reasons to Stay At Home. “That’s a lot of people, we could be next.”
“Will you put that away? It’s just making you more paranoid.” John glances in the rearview mirror.
“I’m not paranoid, I’m just more aware of the dangers of life than you are.” She says, closing the book and setting it down at her feet.
“Whatever you say, dear.” John says as he checks the rearview mirror again.
“Why do tou keep looking back?” she asks, clutching her arm rest.
“Oh, it’s nothing, this guy behind us has been following a little close is all,” he says, “I’m keeping an eye on them so we don’t cause an accident”
“What jerks, how long have they been back there?”
“About ten of fifteen minutes or so.” John looks over at Sue, “What is it?” Sue had turned ghostly pale and was shaking uncontrollably.
“It’s them. The Tailgate Gang,” her eyes are wide with terror. “They ride around in dark, nondescript trucks and closely follow people until they turn down a deserted road, then BAM!” John jumps at the sound of Sue’s fist hitting the dash. “They rear-end you, then, when you get out of the car to exchange insurance information, they shoot you.”
“They shoot you?” he says, playing along with her.
“Yeah, with paintballs or something,” she says, “it’s true, I saw it on TV.”
“Sue, I doubt an old couple in an orange bug are members of a gang.”
“Oh, you didn’t tell me they were in a bug. They must be part of the V-dub Club.”
“Look, they aren’t part of any gang or club, nor are they going to kidnap us and sells on the Black Market or anything like that, calm down.” John slows the car and stops for a red light. As he is turned toward Sue, he notices her eyes getting wider and wider.
“John!” she shouts, panicked. The driverside door opens, a hand reaches in to grab him by the collar and throws him out of the car.
“This be a carjacking, mate.” The carjacker says in a bad English accent. He waves a gun in the general direction of Sue. “Come on the, out of the car, lass.” Sue slowly gets out of the car, her eyes, never leaving the carjacker. “Thanks muchly, lass.” He climbs into the car & drives off.
When the car is out of sight, the old couple rush out of their Volkswagen Beetle, “Miss are you okay?” the old man asks.
“I’m fine, I think,” she answers, staring after the car.
“Thank heavens, is there anything you need? Here, let’s call the police and report this right away.” He turns back to his car to retrieve his cell phone when he notices that Sue is no longer staring down the road. She’s staring at the couple.
“What is it, dear?” the old lady asks, her hand reaching into her bag.
“You’re not part of the V-dub club are you?” Sue asks, backing up.
“What are you talking about, miss?” asks the old man.
“Don’t worry about her, sir, she’s just making up things to worry about.” John jumps in
attempting to save the day, “she’s not all there, and acts a little funny like that sometimes”
“I do not! That was a legitimate question” she says, beginning to get a little upset.
“Of course dear, you really do think these nice people are in some kind of gang.”
“Why of course we are, young man” says the little old lady, pulling a gun from her purse. “Now I need your bank account information, social security numbers, and motther’s maiden names, and be quick about it.”
“Oh crap.” says John, reaching for his wallet.
Happy National She’s Funny That Way Day!
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