Adventures of a Traveling Fern

Zombies. Nixon. Ferrets. Robots. Giraffe.

2010-10-06T03:36:00.000Z

Few know about the Ferret Campaign of the Zombie Invasion. It was classified at the highest level. Not because of the Zombies, there’s only so much the powers that be can do to hide hordes of the undead invading from Canada. The government was concerned in disguising exactly how the Zombies were finally stopped. Now, five years later the secret of our survival shall finally be revealed in the form of a small rodent.
When President Nixon was dying of a very terminal type of terminal cancer, he made one final request. That his head be removed from his disease ridden body and frozen until such a time that science found a way to give him a new body. In order to stop his whining, Congress agreed to Mr. Nixon’s request. They removed his head, placed it in a cryogenic freezer and abruptly lost all paperwork related to the entire affair.
Many years passed, technology improved, and America entered into a new Cold War with her longtime nemesis: Russia. This time instead of a space race, or an arms race, it was a biological race. Which country could develop a long-lasting “Super Soldier” first would receive a much coveted Gold Star and the ability to mock the loser for at least thirty years.
Russia was not playing around this time (unlike America, which definitely was playing around, like with the Jackalope Cloning Project). They were determined to prove to the world that their time for glory was not past. Working in secret underground bunkers in Siberia, in true Cold War fashion, Russian scientists discovered; not only a super soldier serum, but a way for their soldiers to defeat even death, and spread that ability like a plague to anyone they touched. Thus enter the Zombies.
By forcing the Zombies to watch daytime television for countless hours, they bred a deep seated hatred of America into the very core of these Undead minions. Then, after years of Zombie development, when the Bering Strait was frozen over, the Zombies were unleashed upon America.
Thousands of brave Americans died, and reanimated, during the initial weeks of the Z-invasion, (Canadians being somehow invisible and immune to Zombies). Conventional weapons seemed to have no effect on this Undead Army. The country was at a loss on how to battle something that could not die, and grew in numbers exponentially. Until the horde reached the northern border of Utah; there, in a small town, a boy accidentally unleashed a ferret upon the attacking Zombies. The effect was phenomenal, that ferret mowed its way through over two hundred Zombies within the first minute. Quickly, the news spread like wildfire throughout the military leaders of the nation: Zombies were allergic to ferrets.
Although this news was heartening, there was no way to properly utilize the ferrets without getting very near the Zombies. Thus people were still falling to the undead. What the nation needed was a person who was somehow immune to the Zombie threat. The nation needed someone who had exhibited leadership under pressure, someone who the people could look up to as a hero, someone who had fought boldly in the name of Freedom. They needed…. George Washington.
However, George Washington was unavailable at the time of the invasion due to being preoccupied with saving the Earth from a giant asteroid. So the nation settled for President Nixon’s head on the body of a robot.
Armed with various ferret-wielding implements (including the Ferret-on-a-stick, Ferret-whip, Ferret-blaster, and Ferret-chainsaw), Robo-Nixon set off to destroy the Zombie threat to America. Never before has a former president been this central to the action. Robo-Nixon ferreted his way north, driving the Undead horde back to the Bering Strait. There, like Cthulu bringing his mighty wrath down upon the helpless mortals, Robo-Nixon broke apart the ice, freezing the Zombies deep within the ocean’s depths. After his triumphant victory, Robo-Nixon ran for a third presidential term, on the basis that he had technically died. It was a fierce campaign, and the vote was close right up until the final hour. When the results showed that Robo-Nixon, the man-bot who singlehandedly saved the American people, had lost to a Giraffe named Jeffery Jeffers dressed as a clown, Robo Nixon went back to the sight of his greatest battle, Watergate, and self-destructed, bringing an end to an era, and a legend.

Elephant VIllage and Ride!

2009-04-27T00:28:00.000Z

Oxen and flowers and elephants, oh my!

2009-04-27T00:21:00.001Z

Monkey, monkey, monkey!

2009-04-27T00:14:00.001Z

Forward Thinking!

2009-04-17T11:57:00.003Z

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My Thailand Adventure

2009-04-13T16:56:00.000Z

Sawadee-ka!

I just completed my adventure in the Land of the Free, which is called Thailand of course, “Thai” meaning “Free” in, well, Thai. The first day we pulled in to a port town called Laem Chabang which has nothing in it. Fortunately it is 30 minutes (on a good day, no traffic) from Pattaya which is chock full of hotels, bars, loose women and lady-boys. We got off the ship around 1630 (That’s 4:30 PM for all you non military folks) and took the longest “30 minute” bus ride ever. Especially since it took over an hour and a half to get to the Hard Rock Hotel on Pattaya Beach. We ventured in search of our hotel, found it down a semi-dark alley, and checked in to our $50 rooms. I got upstairs, went in to the room flipped the switch for the light. Nothing happened. I felt my way around, flipping every switch I could find. I stumbled my way back to the door and found a slot thing to put my room card in, the second I did so, all the lights came on. The room had a gigantic bed with towels on it folded to look like elephants sitting up. I dropped off my stuff and went down stairs to meet up with the guys.

We walked down the “main street” and stopped at the first restaurant we found called the “cool House” (there were a million food stalls set up along the way, but they didn’t smell good at all and would probably make us very sick at any rate). There I had the Best Spring Rolls Ever, along with a couple bites of (surprise!) delicious calamari and my favorite soup. Tom Yum Goong, made so spicy that I couldn’t have more than 3 spoonfuls before my eyes and nose watered. After dinner we headed back to the hotel, grabbing some sandals along the way. Once back I hopped on the internet and downloaded a bunch of stuff and went to sleep for the first time in almost 3 months with no one near me. It was awesome.

The second day we spent the morning wandering around in search of food. After a while and several failed attempts at finding an open restaurant, we gave in and wandered over to the Pig and Whistle for some classic English Pub food. The food was delicious, and we got some more spring rolls. We made our way back to the Hard Rock and braved the gauntlet of venders lined up by the hotel trying to sell fake sunglass, hats, swim trunks, and pictures with the most cuddly, fuzzy, adorable lemurs ever. I resisted the urge to grab a lemur and run, reminding myself that the nice smiling lady trying to hook a lemur on me probably knew Muay Thai and could probably kick my butt into a bloody pulp. For dinner that night I got to introduce my buddies to the joys of Indian food. It was once again delicious.

The third day I had Duty and is officially dead to me.

The fourth day Brian and I signed up for an elephant tour. Once at the Elephant Village we got introduced to the elephants and their love of bananas, I bought a bunch and fed one before climbing the platform to sit on the makeshift bench on the elephant’s back. The driver guy sat on the elephant’s (hereafter referred to as Alan) head and drove Alan with his feet. The first thing we did was ford a river. Alan was walking with the water almost up to his eyes. His trunk sometimes popped out of the water so he could breathe. We trundled through the hot sun on his back through fields, up hills, and into the jungle. We kept feeding Alan bananas so he would keep carrying us and not get too upset at the lack of tips.

After we got off the elephant we met Tony the Gibbon. He’s 5 years old and likes to play. I set down my soda to get a picture and he jumped over, snatched it up, climbed a bamboo tree, took off the lit, and drank my soda. Then he decided to play with Forest, one of the guys from the ship. Forest was running around with a monkey chasing him. When Tony caught up with him, he jumped on his butt and pulled down his pants. We were all cracking up.

Once Tony was done playing we went on a walk through the jungle, while hearing about how the wild boar is more dangerous than the tiger and they will pick your bones clean in under five minutes. We emerged from the jungle at a house where they make silk. Houses in Thailand don’t have 4 walls, they will leave 1 or 2 off to let in the breeze. There was an old lady making a bolt of silk cloth while we learned about how silk is made. A cocoon of the silk worm is 1 strand of silk that is 8-900 yards long and can make 300 yards of silk. After the silk house we crossed a lake on a raft, hopped on an oxcart and went back to the elephant village.

Once back in Pattaya, we tried to wander back to the Pig and Whistle for dinner. We ran into an obstacle on our quest for fine English good. Water Wars. It turns out April 12th is the beginning of the festival for the Thai new year and the accepted way to celebrate is by shooting people with water guns, dumping water on their heads, and pilling or the fire hoses. By the time we got to the Pig and Whistle we were soaked through, I was dripping water for hours afterward. Dinner was good, we braved the water once again and returned via the gauntlet of fake sunglasses and lemurs to the Hard Rock, and then to the ship and sleep.

John & Sue Discuss Housework

2009-04-10T01:39:00.003Z

Sue is sitting at a table working hard at her new project. Her tongue sticks out of the corner of her mouth as she colors in the big block letters on the brightly colored posterboard sign that says "No More Laundry". Leaning up against the wall are a dozen more makeshift signs with various slogans against cleaning, dish washing, vacuuming, knob polishing, ironing and dusting.

She hears the front door open and close. "Jane? I'm in the kitchen." she calls, not looking up from her sign. She hears heavy footsteps in the hall treading slowly toward the kitchen. That is not Jane. She thinks as her heart speeds up. She glances around panicked, looking for a hiding place, but knowing in her heart it's too late. She spots the half open pantry door and lunges for it.

"Sue?" his voice seems to reverberate off the cans surrounding her. "Are you in here?" Hufflef in the dark, she doesn't dare to breath, she can hear him moving around the kitchen. "What's this?" he mumbles quietly to himself. She can no longer hold her breath and finally gives in to her desperate need for air. Trying to stay quiet, she gasps. The small sound seems like thunder in the quiet stillness of the kitchen. The footsteps move toward the pantry in time with her heart. He swings open the door to finde her kneeling on the floor.

"What are you doing in here?" he asks

"Oh!" she says looking up, "John, I didn;t know you were home. I was just organising the cans."

"Why are you doing that?" John asks, "They don't need to be organised, that was done last week."

"Oh." she says, "Well, I was just--"

"So tell me," he says, cutting her off, "What are all these signs?"

"Well, you see, I've decided to go on strike." She stands up proudly, holding her head high, daring him to say something.

"What reason on Earth would you have for going on strike? You don't work"

"I'm on strike from housework. These conditions that I am forded to slave in day in and day out are inhumane. I refuse to stay idle while my hard work goes to waste on someone who makes me suffer in such conditions."

John stares at her for a moment, trying to make sense of what she has just said. "Sue," he says "We have a maid."

The Kite Contest

2009-04-10T00:59:00.004Z

We had a Kite Flying Contest not too long ago, where each division had to build and fly a kite. We were judged by design, length of flight, and height. My division kicked the competition to the curb so to speak. No one else's kite could fly. Not only did ours soar, but it was a stunt kite. Which means we took out a few people along the way. Also it's awesome when the Captain asks if you need him to turn a US Navy Warship so you can have enough wind to fly a kite off the flight deck.
Yet another reason why Preble rocks.

Dazaifu (bless you)

2009-04-10T00:46:00.000Z

Japan

2009-04-10T00:25:00.002Z

Hong Kong DISNEY!!!!

2009-04-10T00:17:00.002Z

Big! Buddha!

2009-04-10T00:12:00.002Z

Watch out! He's huge! We could see him from miles away. It was awesome.

The Journey to Big Buddha

2009-04-10T00:06:00.000Z

Hong! Kong!

2009-04-09T23:53:00.002Z

Here's some pics of Hong Kong at night, during the day and then some!

The Carrier

2009-04-09T23:45:00.002Z

One of the guys went to the carrier, and took , my camera. Cool!

John & Sue Go Driving

2009-04-05T19:45:00.001Z

“Wear a seat belt, you’re not safe without one,” says Sue, barely glancing up from her book.

“Seatbelts don’t do anything. Besides we’re going fifteen miles an hour” says John

“Listen to this: Every year at least fifteen thousand people are carjacked while on vacation.” She reads from a book titled 101 Reasons to Stay At Home. “That’s a lot of people, we could be next.”

“Will you put that away? It’s just making you more paranoid.” John glances in the rearview mirror.

“I’m not paranoid, I’m just more aware of the dangers of life than you are.” She says, closing the book and setting it down at her feet.

“Whatever you say, dear.” John says as he checks the rearview mirror again.

“Why do tou keep looking back?” she asks, clutching her arm rest.

“Oh, it’s nothing, this guy behind us has been following a little close is all,” he says, “I’m keeping an eye on them so we don’t cause an accident”

“What jerks, how long have they been back there?”

“About ten of fifteen minutes or so.” John looks over at Sue, “What is it?” Sue had turned ghostly pale and was shaking uncontrollably.

“It’s them. The Tailgate Gang,” her eyes are wide with terror. “They ride around in dark, nondescript trucks and closely follow people until they turn down a deserted road, then BAM!” John jumps at the sound of Sue’s fist hitting the dash. “They rear-end you, then, when you get out of the car to exchange insurance information, they shoot you.”

“They shoot you?” he says, playing along with her.

“Yeah, with paintballs or something,” she says, “it’s true, I saw it on TV.”

“Sue, I doubt an old couple in an orange bug are members of a gang.”

“Oh, you didn’t tell me they were in a bug. They must be part of the V-dub Club.”

“Look, they aren’t part of any gang or club, nor are they going to kidnap us and sells on the Black Market or anything like that, calm down.” John slows the car and stops for a red light. As he is turned toward Sue, he notices her eyes getting wider and wider.

“John!” she shouts, panicked. The driverside door opens, a hand reaches in to grab him by the collar and throws him out of the car.

“This be a carjacking, mate.” The carjacker says in a bad English accent. He waves a gun in the general direction of Sue. “Come on the, out of the car, lass.” Sue slowly gets out of the car, her eyes, never leaving the carjacker. “Thanks muchly, lass.” He climbs into the car & drives off.

When the car is out of sight, the old couple rush out of their Volkswagen Beetle, “Miss are you okay?” the old man asks.

“I’m fine, I think,” she answers, staring after the car.

“Thank heavens, is there anything you need? Here, let’s call the police and report this right away.” He turns back to his car to retrieve his cell phone when he notices that Sue is no longer staring down the road. She’s staring at the couple.

“What is it, dear?” the old lady asks, her hand reaching into her bag.

“You’re not part of the V-dub club are you?” Sue asks, backing up.

“What are you talking about, miss?” asks the old man.

“Don’t worry about her, sir, she’s just making up things to worry about.” John jumps in
attempting to save the day, “she’s not all there, and acts a little funny like that sometimes”

“I do not! That was a legitimate question” she says, beginning to get a little upset.

“Of course dear, you really do think these nice people are in some kind of gang.”

“Why of course we are, young man” says the little old lady, pulling a gun from her purse. “Now I need your bank account information, social security numbers, and motther’s maiden names, and be quick about it.”

“Oh crap.” says John, reaching for his wallet.

Happy National She’s Funny That Way Day!

John & Sue Meet Mr. Texas

2009-03-29T17:31:00.002Z

“Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!” says the announcer, “Today only we have the special for you! Have you ever wanted to be part of the ‘in’ crowd but never quite mad the grade? I am about to demonstrate to you the most important discovery since the home refrigerator.”

John pushes his way through the captivated audience, enticing glares from several onlookers. “Excuse me” he whispers to one especially angry woman, he moves on before she has a chance to reply. Finally, he reaches his target. A tall, skinny woman in a sun dress is staring at the stage completely oblivious to the rest of the world. “Sue, Sue. Hey! Sue!” John attempts to raise her interest to no avail.

Finally, she turns slowly toward him. “John? What are you doing here?” she asks wiping the drool from the corner of her mouth. “I thought you were going to get the car fixed while I shopped”

“I did, they finished with it two hours ago.” John says “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
“What are you talking about? You dropped me off ten minutes ago.”
“Sue, it’s five-thirty, they’re starting to close the store.”
“Really? That’s odd, well, let me just finish listening to Mr. Texas then we’ll go okay?” she begins to turn back to the stage, but stops “Oh, be a dear and pick up the things on this list. Thanks.” She presses a folded piece of paper into John’s hands.
He looks up at the stage, squinting, “Do I know that guy?”
“Don’t forget, sixty percent of anything you buy here today goes to under privileged children. Because…” Mr. Texas continues.
“Texas Loves The Children!” the crowd shouts.
Mr. Texas smiles at the crowd, “That’s right! Also, if you pay cash to—“
“Hey! I know where I’ve seen you!” John shouts, cutting in to a sound of hisses, “You were on the news, you’re that escaped convict!”
“Sir, that is ludicrous. Please, I won’t be interrupted by wild accusations. Now where was I?”
“You know dear,” says Sue, “he does look an awful lot like that con-man. What was his name?”
“I don’t remember,” says John, “something with a state, I think.”
“It’s Jeremy Maine” one of the women says, “he used to go by the name Mr. Maine.”
“Hey now, calm down, everyone. I am not this Mr. Maine fellow, I’m just a traveling salesman.” Mr. Texas says. A soft murmur starts in the crowd of women so recently held in a thrall bu the charismatic and handsome salesman. The looks of awe turn quickly to looks of anger.
“No that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that they said something about him being a child molester.” John says his voice dropping to a whisper for added effect.
Sue turns to him, her eyes wide. “Texas loves the children.” The crowd loses all control and becomes a mob, chasing Mr. Texas out of the store, picking up pitchforks, torches, and other necessary mob utilities on the way out. Still standing in front of the now empty stage are John and Sue. Sue looks after the mob with yearning, but John has a firm grip on her arm.
“C’mon, let’s go home,” He says
“But what about Mr. Texas? Can’t we chase after him?” she asks
“No Sue, remember last time we were involved with a mob?”
“Yes, you accused me of being in league with Santa.”
“Very good dear, let’s go” says John turning to lead her out of the store.
“Jerk” she mutters under her breath.

Happy Texas Loves the Children Day! I hope they mean the state and not some guy. That would be awkward. And wrong. Very very wrong.

The Return of John & Sue

2009-03-23T17:26:00.001Z

It’s nighttime in an empty urban alleyway, complete with Dumpster® brand Dumpster®, rats and other various vermin. It appears to be quiet, or as near to it as this kind of place can get. Suddenly, the rats scamper away, the pigeons take flight and the resident alley cat hides behind the Dumpster®.

BAMPF!..................................THUD!...................

Seemingly out of nowhere fall a man and woman. The woman, who’s hair and dress mark her as a typical suburban housewife, lands somewhat gracefully on the closed plastic lid of the Dumpster®. The man, wearing a button-up shirt and slacks, plops down into a puddle of what he hopes is water.
“See? That wasn’t so bad.” The woman says as she hops down from the Dumpster® , “I told you we would be fine.”
The man gets up slowly “You aren’t soaking wet. Where do you think we are now, Sue?” He begins to limp to the mouth of the alley.
“It can’t be any worse than where we’ve been stuck for the last month.” Sue shudders, “anything’s better than that, John.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure, Sue.” John reaches the mouth of the alley and stops, looking around cautiously. “There are much worse things than being force to listen to The Clash, and be forced to list the reasons why cheesecake is a pie for a month.”
“Well, if there is I don’t want to know abou—"
“Sue! Watch out!” John tackles Sue to the ground. Sue looks around her, eyes wide from fear.
“W-what is it John?”
“In that box! There’s a monster!”
“John, don’t be silly! Can’t you read? It says ‘Free Puppies’.” She gets up, calmly and walks over to a beaten cardboard box.
“Sue! Don’t!” John shouts in a last desperate attempt to keep her away from the box.
“Stop being so dramatic, it’s fine we made— Oof!” Sue trips over the curb, landing flat on her face, just three feet from the box. Suddenly, the alley cat darts out from behind the Dumpster®, rushes out of the alley and leaps toward box, stopping mere inches from it, hissing. The box begins to shake violently until it explodes in a flurry of old cardboard and out flies a giant rat, which runs off down the street, the cat following close behind.
Sue stares, stunned at the strange events taking place before her. Slowly, after rat and cat are gone, she slowly gets up and backs toward John, afraid to take her eyes from where the box once sat. “H-how did you know that was going to happen?” Voice shaking, she desperately clutches John’s arm.
“I didn’t” said John, frozen in place by shock, “I just didn’t want you to bring home another dog.”

2009-02-20T17:24:00.000Z

“I’m so hungry” Sue’s stomach rumbled to emphasize the point.
“Just try not to think about it.” John said preoccupied with the sticks stuck in the sand. “Help me make this shelter will you? Grab those fronds over there.”
“I’m too weak, I cannot go on…..starving” She moaned clutching her stomach for effect.
“It’s only been three hours! There is no way you’re starving!” In frustration John threw a stick on the ground.
“I’m wasting away!” She cried, flinging herself dramatically upon the sandy ground.
“Oh get up, you’re pathetic.” Turning back to his lean-to John tried to brush off the frustration of being stranded with the most useless person he knew.
“Fine. I’ll help you, but I only do it under protest.” Getting up, she stomped to the shelter, with a pout.
“As long as you –“
Quack.
“What was that?” asked Sue, looking around in confustion.
Quack.
“It sounded like a duck,” said John, “What’s a duck doing out here?” A rustling was heard in the bush, slowly a small, wretched looking duck hopped slowly out into the open. It looked disoriented and its leg appeared to be broken.
“Look, the poor thing! He’s hurt!” Sue exclaimed.
“He’s dinner.” John started walking toward the duck brandishing his latest stick.
“No! You won’t murder this poor lame creature!” Sue jumped between man and duck, guarding the possibly diseased dying bird. Suddenly, the duck spreads its wings and attempts to takes flight. Flapping up over the bushes only to slam into a tree and fall to the ground, dead.
“See? Dinner.”

Happy Lame Duck Day! Hope we don’t see any down here, that would be awkward to explain to the little guy,

2009-02-08T17:25:00.000Z

“Oh my! It’s really storming out!” exclaimed Sue as she stared transfixed out the door way.
“I’m not here to discuss the weather Sue.” John said, with a hint of an ominous air.
What are you – Wow! That one nearly hit that tree!” A fork of lightning bolts down just outside the house.
“Sue will you pay attention? I’m trying to—“
Crrrraaack!
“What?” she shouted nearly deaf from the thunder.
“I’m trying to say I—“
Crrrraaack!
“No John, don’t do it!” She screamed, clutching Johns arm. “It’s madness! Pure madness!”
“What?” He asked, completely out of his depth with this obviously insane woman he kept getting stuck with.
“Don’t fly a kite in this weather, you’ll be struck by lightning and die! Then I’ll be all alone!” Sue cried pathetically.
“…You think I’m going to go out into that and fly a kite?”
“Well aren’t you?”
“Do I look like Ben Franklin? No. I said—
Crrrraaack!
“You’re dying your hair white?”
“No!”
“You plan to see the sights?”
“No, I—“
“I gave you quite a fright?”
“Sue—“
“You’re going for a bite?”
“Sue! Stop! I said you are driving me insane!” he finally shouted.
“Well you don’t need to yell.” Sue said, indignant.

Happy Kite Flying day! At least it didn’t rain too much?

2009-02-06T17:24:00.000Z

Creak. Creak-creak. Creak
“Shhh! Did you hear that?” Sue whispered suddenly looking up.
“I didn’t hear anything, don’t worry baby” John said
Creak. Creak-creak. Creak
“Wait! I just heard it again….” Sue looked toward the door feeling a strange sense that something was about to go suddenly wrong.
“Heard what?” John asked barely interested.
“I don’t know what it was, maybe it was nothing.” Sue shrugged.
“Stop being so tense, just relax, everything’s fine.” Dismissing her worries as just another insane panic attack of hers, John focused on the task at hand.
Creak. Creak-creak. Creak
“There it is! It sounds like someone’s opening the garage door.” In such a frantic whisper, Sue’s paranoia was obvious. “I’m not imagining it!”
“Holy crap! Lets get out of here!” John jumped out of the rumpled bed and started grabbing his clothes.
“What do you mean? This is your house” She said, getting up reluctantly.
“Actually, I live down the street. I don’t like taking girls to my place.”
“You mean you’ve been taking me to a stranger’s house for eight months?” Sue caught the clothes John tossed her way and gave him a deadly glare as he pushed past her.
“Just get some clothes on and lets get out of here!” They rushed out of the back door, rounded the corner of the house, and saw an older man standing in the open garage staring at the partially nude couple. Waving, they ran on down the street, hoping he wouldn’t realize where they were coming from.

Happy Wave at Your Neighbor Day! I’m tired so my wave may not be that enthusiastic

2009-02-03T00:00:00.000Z

3 Feb. “Cordova Ice Worm Day”

“In protest of the grave injustices that have been inflicted upon that poor defenseless creature, I hereby refuse to ever eat meat or wear any animal product again!” proclaimed Sue
“…What? What are you talking about?” asked John
“I am talking about that majestic creature you just slaughtered!!”
“Huh? I haven’t killed anything.”
“Yes you have! You just ruthlessly murdered a rare and almost extinct creature!” shouted Sue on the verge of hysterics.
“I still don’t understand, Sue, what on earth has you so worked up?” John scratched his head, confused about the turn the conversation had taken.
“Murderer! Is that how you treat your crime? Pretend to not know that you just stepped on a Cordova Ice Worm?!” Sue pointed at a small squished worm on the ground. “There are only fifteen million of them left; they are the only creatures keeping back Global Warming!”
“Wait a minute now, you’re saying that this worm prevents Global Warming? That’s ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous, my concern for the environment is ridiculous to you?” Accusingly, Sue crossed her arms and waited for an explanation.
“No your being convince that this…Corona Ice Worm—“.
“Cordova Ice Worm!” Sue cut in.
“This Cordova Ice Worm stops the climate change” John attempted to reason with the clearly insane woman.
“Why do you think it’s called an Ice Worm, dummy? It makes ice.” Said Sue in an obviously useless attempt to knock some sense into the thick skulled John.
“Somehow I doubt that this work has magical ice making powers, I think it just lives around ice, like this glacier we’re standing on.”
“I won’t stand for any more of this! You’re a horrible person John, making fun of that poor little worm! We’re through!” Sue stomps off filled with righteous anger at her now ex-fling. Squashing fifteen worms in her fury.

Happy Cordova Ice Worm Day! Please don’t step on too many, they’re had to find this far south!

2009-02-02T17:20:00.000Z

“Unclean! Unclean!”
The raucous mob of villagers threw Brussels sprouts at the disheveled woman.
“Halp!” she cried trying to keep the offensive sprouts away from her face. “Halp!”
“Pelt the impure on! She is in league with Santa, she wears red!”
Suddenly, the villagers stop, turn, and stare at John the local soothsayer.
“What?” John nervously asks “Why did you stop?”
“We formed a mob to pelt Sue because she’s wearing red?!” asked the mob spokesman with just the right amount of astonishment.
“Well….that’s what Santa wears isn’t it?” John slowly says, trying to get them to resume their angry mob duties. “Our village must remain pure, free from the wicked influence of Santa…..Right?”
“It’s just that, you know, we put a lot of hard work into these mobs. Saving up Brussels sprouts for months, Brussel does not like giving us his sprouts you know. We also take hours making sure we have plenty of torches, and all we ask is that you give us a semi-legitimate reason to call up the mob.” The spokesman stated with an air of official importance.
“Well, isn’t Santa reason enough?”
“No dimwit, Santa gives us presents, it’s Satan we don’t like!” shouted a random mob member, evoking an indignant glare from the spokesman.
“Oh! Satan! I get it! Sorry, I’m a bit dyslexic sometimes. Sue’s in league with Satan! She’s unclean!” cried John, desperately pointing at an increasingly optimistic Sue.
The mob looked at each other, then turned back to the unfortunate woman.
“Unclean! Unclean!”

Happy Wear Red Day! Hope you don’t get called out for being in league with the vile Santa!

2009-01-31T17:23:00.000Z

“John! What are you doing?” cried Sue as she walked in to find John packing a suitcase.
“I’m leaving you Sue.”
“Why? I thought we were happy.”
“We were, until you got that dog” John gestured toward what appeared to be a soccer sized ball of fluff
“Fluffy? You don’t like Fluffy?” She picked up the small dog and clutched him to her chest.
“That monster doesn’t like me. He’s always staring with those evil eyes.” John said, shuddering.
“This ‘monster’ as you call him was the only companion my grandmother had. She willed him to me.”
“Honey, you grandma was found dead with weird bites on her head.”
“That wasn’t Fluffy! He would never hurt her! I told you, it was the Zombies!”
“You want me to believe that Zombies ate your grandmother? The dog was found chewing on her foot.” John had finished packing, he picked up his suitcase and set it by the door.
“He was trying to wake her! You know what? We are done! I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe me! You’re disastering my life! Get out!
John picked up his suitcase, opened the door, turned to Sue and said, “Fine! Good luck with your Zombies!”
“Grandmother?” Sue asked, looking over John’s shoulder. John turned slowly to see the rotting corpse of the old woman standing in the doorway.
“BRRAAAIIIIIINNSS!!”

Happy Disaster Day! Hope your disaster is manageable!

2009-01-31T17:19:00.000Z

“John! What are you doing?! Is that…… Sue our neighbor? You’re sleeping with her???” Jane screamed hysterically at her fornicating husband. (Who, by the way, didn’t happen to stop as she walked in.) “John!!!! Stop it! Stop humping that hussy!!”
“But…..honey…..I…..can’t…..” huffed John breathlessly, adamantly continuing to pursue his intercourse with Sue.
“Can’t? Can’t?! What on earth is stopping you from laying off that bimbo?!” she screeched from the doorway, still dumbfounded at the actions taking place before her.
“It’s….Seed..…ooohhh…..Seed…..Swap…..Day…..” he moaned.
“That is the biggest load of crock I have ever heard John! What do you take me for?!”
Sue lifts up her head from the carpet, and squeals “It’s…..true!.....My…..husband…..is…..waiting…..in…..next…..door…..for…..you….”
“Oh really?” Jane giddily say “Carry on!” Jane throws her purse on the floor and skips out of the house, ripping off clothing as she goes. Only to find Sue’s husband in the garden with a befuddled expression, wondering why she was nude and didn't appear to have any packets of seed so they could trade.

The moral of the story, boys and girls, is when it comes to celebrating Seed Swap Day, make sure you clarify which seed you shall swap.

Happy National Seed Swap Day! May the seeds you swap be that of your choosing, but make sure the person you’re swapping with knows what’s coming!

2009-01-30T17:12:00.000Z

30 Jan
You have 7 new messages. First New Message:
“Hey, uh Sue right? This is uh, John, from last night. Remember? We met at that bar…I think…Actually the whole night gets a bit hazy right after you bought me that drink…You don’t happen to know what happened to my wallet do you? Or my pants? Well, anyway please give me a call...I uh…had a great time? My number is--”

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“BRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS!!!”

Beeep. Message Saved. Next New Message:
“Susan, this is your father calling, your mother and I are concerned about those strange smelling punks you’ve been hanging around, we’d like to---“

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“I like pie.”

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“Hello, Susan Jones? This is Officer Jim calling. I would like to talk to you in connection with some local gang activity. I understand you may know a couple of the individuals involved. Please give me a call—“

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“Sue! We’re meeting up at the Pizza place on 5th! You gotta come out! We’re gonna see if we can……Hey! Hold on!….Wait a minute!…Get away from me!!...No!............AARRRGGGGHH!!!!.......................BRRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS!!!!”

Beeep. Message Erased. Next New Message:
“You don’t know me, my name is Jill, I uh…got your number from John….we uh…used to date…he said he spent some time withh you last night…Um, I think maybe you should…uh…go get yourself checked out…um…John been known to…spend time…with…uh…women of…uh…ill-repute...Also…I was at his house last week, and he has a prescription for Valtrex…So, uh…yeah…I gotta go…”

Beeep. Message Saved.

Beeep.

Main Menu. To listen to new messages press 1. To listen to saved messages press 2. To retrieve recently erased messages press 3.

Beeep. I’m sorry we are unable to retrieve your erased messages.

Beeep.

Main Menu. To listen to new messages press 1. To listen to --

Beeep. I’m sorry we are unable to retrieve your erased messages.

Happy Inane Answering Message Day! I hope your messages are better than Susan’s.

2007-04-25T02:35:00.000Z

This is in North Carolina, after I got back from Iraq. The place is called Raven Rock State Park. I liked it. It was green, and alive.

2007-04-25T02:26:00.000Z

My training in South Carolina, in September of last year.
We learned how to shoot M-16s and stuff...

My

2006-10-09T14:10:00.000Z

Shooting the longbow in Sherwood Forest!

2006-07-01T22:01:00.000Z

V I C T O R Y ! !
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:59:00.000Z

This is a limestone gorge at this place called Skyreholme. It was an amazing hike, I cannot wait to go back.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:58:00.000Z

An abandoned lead mine I found in Skyreholme. It was neat there were holes all over the place where it had collapsed. Mines are fun to find.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:57:00.001Z

A glimpse inside the lead mine.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:57:00.000Z

A close up of the opening of the disused lead mine.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:56:00.000Z

This is SkyreHolme, it's neat an pretty.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:55:00.000Z

A tree. On a hill. Not to be confused with the next tree on the hill even though they are the same tree on the same hill.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-07-01T21:54:00.000Z

A tree on a hill
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-11T22:24:00.000Z

Mikey's new haircut for his holiday. He wants to be Mr. T.

"First name Mister, middle name Period, last name T."

2006-06-09T21:19:00.000Z

Courtyard of Alnwick Castle, this is where Harry Potter learned to fly. It's pronounced ann-ick
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-09T21:18:00.000Z

Alnwick
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-09T21:17:00.002Z

A Knight. Kinda.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-09T21:17:00.001Z

Alnwick
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-09T21:17:00.000Z

Brother-in-law Mike, tryin not to give into the German Death Trap.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-09T21:16:00.000Z

My sister, Tanya terrified at being trapped inside the German Death Trap I call Cindy.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-06-09T21:15:00.000Z

Alnwick Castle entrance. People live here.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:45:00.001Z

Baa
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:45:00.000Z

I love trees, but these were e-vile! There were all these mini streams running down the hill which is to the right and I wanted to know where all that water was coming from. Well all the branches are really small and dry because of the winter so I think there were more twigs in my hair than on the rest of the wood!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:43:00.000Z

The road I drove to some lake on, it's only one lane, which is pretty common.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:42:00.000Z

Rolling green hills, complete with wooden fenced topped with barbed wire. Like I can't hop the stone wall...
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:41:00.000Z

Well, you see, I went to the garage the other day to get my car fixed, my doors didn't like to lock, my window didn't roll down and my trunk didn't open. So it cost me a buttload of money for them to go in and fix the drivers side door, where all the other doors lock. Well, the trunk still doesn't open and my bike is stuck in there. I suspect the geese.

By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:40:00.002Z

I suspect Geese were involved
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:40:00.001Z

Birds in flight
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-05-05T20:40:00.000Z

Check this out, I went to some lake and this is what I saw, pretty sweet!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:13:00.000Z

The view from where I went hiking, you can see the MASSIVE rocks on the right that I was standing on. Crazy that this is not far at all from a beautiful creek. There's pictures of that further down. I was slippin' and a slidin' on the mud there. It was a blast!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:12:00.000Z

Check it out a waterfall!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:11:00.001Z

Can you tell I had fun yet?
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:11:00.000Z

I call this one "water and mossy trees
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:10:00.002Z

Shot looking up from where I'm taking all the pictures of water.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:10:00.001Z

wa-wa-wa-water!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:10:00.000Z

Water, water, I love water. It's nice to drink, it's clean and clear. You can use it to wash your hair.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:09:00.000Z

It's a tree covered in moss! Neat.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:08:00.001Z

I like water!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:08:00.000Z

Yooo Hooo!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:06:00.001Z

This 'un is just spiffy you might say it's even spiforific!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:06:00.000Z

Water! Fall! Again!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:05:00.002Z

Water!!!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:05:00.001Z

Water! Fall!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:05:00.000Z

Water!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:03:00.001Z

trees
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:03:00.000Z

Grass
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-04-04T17:01:00.000Z

2006-04-04T16:12:00.000Z

Look Ma! I made a real breakfast! Ain't you proud? Look at that perfect egg...
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:40:00.000Z

A tree. They grow out of the ground and sometimes have this odd strange growth on the tips of the thing they call branches. That's during the warm months.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:29:00.000Z

Okay so we went up to Scotland to see this ship, and we stayed in the barracks at the Royal Navy base up there. The beds were small, just my size. There were four beds in the room. The ship was fun, but all I got was this lousy picture of a room.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:27:00.000Z

This here is a lake less than a mile from where I live, it's called Swinston Reservoir, there's so many dawg gone lakes around here it's pathetic.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:25:00.000Z

As much as I HATE geese, they sure are easy to take pictures of, at a distance, of course.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:24:00.000Z

The wood in color.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:23:00.000Z

The wood around the reservoir in black & white.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:22:00.000Z

This 'un let's you see how foggy it is without the use of my cheat machine, Picasa.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:21:00.000Z

Some trees.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:20:00.000Z

Check out the trees and snow on Swinsty Reservoir.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:19:00.000Z

This is pretty cool, it was really foggy out, but the lake was so still that it reflected everything.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-14T19:18:00.000Z

Check it out! How can you time this! A drop fell in just as I was taking a picture. What luck!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T16:02:00.000Z

This little waterfall is called High Force. "Force" is English for waterfall, and "gate" is english for road. Someday I'll learn this crazy language.
By Mikey

2006-03-09T16:01:00.000Z

Believe it or not, the sheep are actually on top of an ancient Roman temple. The English dug up everything about 50 years ago and carted it off to Newcastle, all that's left is a square mound covered in sheep sh*t
By Mikey-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T08:01:00.000Z

More of Cliffords Tower in York.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T08:00:00.000Z

The wall around York,
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:59:00.000Z

Another one of the Minster in York
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:58:00.001Z

The Minster from afar in York
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:58:00.000Z

Clifford's Tower in York.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:57:00.000Z

A view from Newcastle-upon-Tyne from, well the "New Castle". It's not really that new anymore.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:55:00.001Z

A shot from the freezing boat ride around the lake.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:55:00.000Z

This is in Windermere in the Lake District in northwest england. That's a pub we ate at.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:53:00.000Z

Mikey throwing darts at the dartboard.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:52:00.001Z

Look ma! A dart board! In a garage!
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:52:00.000Z

My car from the side.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:51:00.000Z

Proof that my is German, note the word in orange on the dash. That means my coolant's low, my coolant's always low. It leaks. :(
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2006-03-09T07:50:00.000Z

My car in the snow. Her name is Cindy but we call her "Deutsche Todesfalle". Or German Death Trap to all you non German car owners.
By Nauta-the-picture-taker

2005-12-30T22:41:00.000Z

I went home on leave early in December. It was great! Man, I love AZ.

2005-12-03T23:20:00.000Z

Alrighty, here's the deal. It's crunch time, Saturday night. I head out to th airport in about 6 hours. Then it's 13 wonderful hours of planes, then finally at about 0200 my time (1830 AZ time) I'm gonna be getting off the plane in Phoenix. I am so pumped I can't contain myself. Just imagine the hikes, the family, the Americanness, and the sunlight! WooooHoooo! 12 fun-filled days of non-England-ness! Trust me, you miss some things living over here. Like shopping malls, and good Mexican food, shops staying open after 1730, the sun.
Here's my WooHoo picture: